why is it that even though she hurt me so much time and time again it feels like it will hurt me even more to let her go completely? she never fallowed through with what she said she would do, and always asked forgiveness that i was overly willing to hand out just seconds later reminding her how understanding i am. she claimed me to be a constant in her life someone that she was always able to count on. count on for what? to be able to use and wipe her feet on after she was done? did she laugh at my feelings after we where done talking?

the worst part of the whole thing is that even after i told her that i didn't want to let her hold my heart anymore and that i was through with her hurting me that i still wanted to forgive her and tell her that i loved her and wanted to hold her in my arms. am i a lost cause does my loyal and caring nature hurt me so much even now? my heart grows heavy again with the image of her in my mind, and i wonder when or if a time will come that she truly stops hurting me with the very sound of her voice.

so today started off kinda ok. i woke up early and got to just lounge in bed for a bit before i had to get up and get ready for work. well that was about all i had good today. right when i got to work my dad started in on me letting me know i was doing things wrong, but the thing is I've been doing them this same way since i started doing this particular part of the job a couple of years ago. Of course it didn't end there oh no it happened the same way it always does. I'm not doing enough or not working fast enough of heaven forbid i stop for a few minuets and then of course I'm standing around slacking.  the rest of the work day went by ok until the end of the day when of course I'm about to leave he points out some more stuff i didn't do so of course I'm not doing my job at all.

i finally made it out of work. i was so pissed off, angry, and depressed cause of how shitty of a son and worker i was that i barley made it home before i broke down and started crying. well how hard i was crying of course gave me a migraine that is just now wearing off after lots of water and 2 ib's. since i had a migraine strong enough to lay me out i couldn't do either of my plans tonight. to go to the valentines dinner with my friends or to go to my friend S's house to finish a project we are working on.

To make matters worse kinda like the shit topper on the fuck you go to hell and rot cake that my day has been i tried to get a hold of one of the loves of my life tonight B. i saw she was online so i said a couple of rude things to her jokingly but hey just my fucking luck shes in a pms mood and got pissed at me. so instead of talking to one of the few people that makes me feel better i get even more pissed off. which is why I'm writing this now cause i don't really know of any other way to get the anger and stress of my chest. so i finally sent her a couple of texts (shes in bed and wont get them till tomorrow if she even decides to read them cause she is pissed at me now) explaining some of how i felt to her.

so this is a shitty end to a fucked up pissed off depressed shitty day. time to start it all over again tomorrow, but lets hope that it is a better day cause i could use one. Sorry for bitching but it was coming sooner or later.

blessed be, god bless, or whatever you want to say, Zeak

so alcoholism runs in my family. my dads dad had it and so did my dad, and well apairently so does my brother. his drinking has ruined his marriage and now he and his wife are getting a divorce. does he learn from his mistake? nope, he just keeps on drinking.

the alcoholism in our family is one of the reasons why i do not drink. then again my dad's early life with us boys was ruined cause of his drinking. and now i'm afraid that my brothers life with his two little girls will be as well.

am i the only one that learns from other people's mistakes?

i got to visit with my friend Annie on the 28th. That day i got to meet a new friend. her name is Jess, and i think that she is an amazing person for what i have seen so far. but that is not what i have come here for. i have come for the next night, the night of the 29th. I invited them over to my place knowing that Jess like myself was into bdsm. (thou she is a submissive to my dominant) well they came over and we all were having fun. i tied up my friend Annie in a couple of different bondage ties.

well the night went on and i had showed her most of the stuff in my bag but she had taken to liking my wartenburg wheel. well she wasn't really doing much with it so i asked her if i could have it back. well i ended up using it on her arms, face, legs, feet, back, and her upper chest. Above all else she enjoyed it on her neck. but that's not all i did, i also pulled her hair and chocked her a little as well. god i loved doing it so much. she (Jess) is very hot or at least she is in my eyes. and she made such good noises just not loud enough for me.

well as much fun as we were having there was one problem. she has a long distance dom. i had her ask him if i could just do a could of small bondage things on her but he said no. (which is why Annie got tied up instead) but we ended up playing with the wheel. i don't know why or when but it progressed further than that. the only reason that i can see is that i think she as i said is incredibly attractive. well we stopped before anything bad could happen but things did that we couldn't take away. actually I'll be honest i don't want to take them away cause i don't regret doing what i did to her. i want to get permission from her dom so i can do it again but more. i want to force the moan from her and not have to hold back as much. i want to leave marks and make her cum.

but that's not all i don't want to just play with her. i want to get to know her and be her friend. i want to be able to hang out with her and just relax like you can with only your best friends. that's all i have to say. i hope it does work out and we can hang out and become friends, but i also hope her dom will let us play.

we had a talk on my way over about weather my and your thoughts and agreements were ok. they were but i also said that i would try and not do anything stupid if i could help it. oy did that one go majorly wrong with me not thinking. i still see some things as ok just from my time and interactions with vanilla people and friends in general. i made a large mistake when i didnt think before i acted and that was one of the biggest ones that i could have done, i am a dom that wasnt in charge of myself. for me to be a dom i have to be not only in charge of the submissive that i play with but also in charge of myself.

my agreement to you is that i am in charge of myself and my actions be it thinking or not i have no excuses for anything that i do if there wrong or not. another agreament i have to you is that i dont betray your trust in me or the trust that you have placed in my hands when i play.  i broke one of those trust that you placed in me by biting gillian on the should no matter how fast i cought myself it happend and it shouldnt have at all.

to be the dom that you and i both can respect and have faith in i have to cincentrate more on my surroundings and shed some of my innocence off of myself in the way i want to and see myself as. also i need to remember more what i have asked of you and what you have granted me permission to be able to have. when it comes to you and your pride i have two ways that i am forced to look at them. one of wich is as friends and that i have worked at to make them. i'm happy about this since i'm not very good at making friends and the second way is that if i ask and they want it and you agree to it is that i might if your willing be allowed to lay with them. if that is granted the rules and limits are put into place and then i must remember and focus on the honer and trrust that you have placed in me.

i have taken the gift of playing with sally for granted to much and that has let me be foolish and lax in my concentration with the rules and agreements that we have in place. i'm human so i can never say that i will not make another mistake but i know now that there is no excuseto ever do this one again and i hope and pray that the lesson sticks with me and will be preasont in my mind when i am given the right to play not only with your girls but anyone that i may play with in the future.

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship? Nope, not for a long time.
02) What was your dream growing up? I'm not sure i guess a mob hit man
03) What talent do you wish you had? I wish i could play music maybe the guitar or violin
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be? Sprite
05) Favorite vegetable? Sweet Corn
06) What was the last book you read? Laurel K Hamilton's Dance Macabre
07) What zodiac sign are you? cancer
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? If so, what and where. nope not a darn thing
09) Worst Habit? Procrastination and Masturbation
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride? Depends on my mood.
11) What is your favorite sport? Tennis
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude? Realistic but i tend to be kinda pessimistic at times
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me? Try and find a condom or possibly some rope.
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you? My mother re marring to an asshole
15) Tell me one weird fact about you. I'm not weird enough now you got to pry further *angry look*
16) Do you have any pets? Nope and i'm glad of that
17) What would you do if I showed up at your house unexpectedly? Be nice as i could since your a rude and invasive jerk
18) What was your first impression of me? tame
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary? Depends on the situation
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? My Body fat problem
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience? Both why choose just one
22) What color eyes do you have? Blue with spikes around my pupil
23) Ever been arrested? Nope.
24) Bottle or can soda? It's pop and can cause of the crisper taste
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it? not sure.
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at? Not sure but maybe at rich's
28) Do you believe in ghosts? Yes
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time? Read or Video games
30) Do you swear a lot? Yes, but not as much as I used to.
31) Biggest pet peeve? being yelled at for something other people do when i do the same thing that they get away with.
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself? embers
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance? It's ok in small doses.
34) Favorite and least favorite food? Favorite: pizza or wings. Least favorite: human flesh... or liver and onions...
35) Do you believe in God? Yes.
36) Will you re-post this so I can fill it out and do the same for you? Sure why not i just took the time to answer it so why not just hit post as well.

i've given my heart to someone that i truly think wont drop it or let it rot so it can be thrown away, nor do i think they will cut it up so they can watch it die. i care more about her than anyone else in my life right now.  she wants some time to think and wants to take a brake from us. i want to give her that time and space but i'm afraid that if i do she will think i am uninterested in her. all i really want to do is go back to the way it was a few months ago when all we did when we talked was just laugh and joke. even if she wants to be just friends i'm fine with it as long as the laughter is back with us. i'm gonna think more and let her know what i want in our relasionship and i'm preparing myself for any answer that she gives.

being dominant to me is a way that i feel. its the energy that i have when i move and when i think. it meens not worrying about being in control and taking over when i know that it will help out the other person. my role is that of a carring protector and friend in all things. its about respnsibility and honer to do the right thing for the people that care and depend on you.
i expect that i should always try my best at what i do and pushing away the distractions that are around me when the time comes.
the community should expect me to do my best at all things in the lifestyle, and be a good supporter of the community so that i dont tarnish our already veiled image.
a submissive should also expect me to do my best when i am in a scene with him/her and that i should take my time to get to know them properly during the time that they have given me so that they and myself can fully enjoy the art that we are creating.

i didn't think i would use this much but i guess i am gonna use it for more than what i made it for. i've always been told that its a good thing to write down your thoughts and feelings but i've never been one to hold much stock in things like that. but here is my first rant.

i have a friend and for the sake of ananimity i am going to refer to her by the letter B. well B and i had made plans to get her outfits ready for winter wickedness an ais event thats in a couple of months and we made plans that we would work on it a bit after i got home from work and then finish it off later tonight. well as things went i tried to get ahold of her on the way home(around 2 40 or so) she didnt answer but i knew she was doing some work around the house.
i tried again around 4 still nothing. i sent her a text around 5 checking to see if she was ok or whatnot.

at 10 33 telling me she was drunk and that she was at her friends house with her and her fiance drinking. so not only did she not get back ahold of me at all today she ruined our plans to get drunk. and she did it by text message. dont knwo if i should let it get to me or not but it did. and now i'm just fucking grrr about it, and i want to yell but i cant.

thank you all that read this and sorry for sounding like an emo kid that just ran out of tight pants and hair gel.

Zeak

grrrrr i hate this site already i have to do this again cause it just deleated everything wrote.

i want to learn D/s, cains, rough body play, mind fucks, florintine, paddles, floggers, knife play, wax play, Bondage and Suspinsion

i'm comftrable with some things like i'm getting better with the human body, and also with playing with others.
i'm uncomfy with playing with other peoples s-types cause of the fear that they might get angry with me for doing something even after the negotiation is over with. and fealing up the other persons s-type.


i know that i dont know alot. i also know that i know some info about candles, paddling, floggers, crops, sweet spots and some other small things, like watching for small body changes that could actualy men big changes in the inside.


i didnt know in the beginning that i would have to make a live journal because i dont enjoy sharring my thaughts with others in a large public domain.

ok yaknow what fuck this it just deleated everything i wrote you cock sucking whore